Rough Rhymes

Wordplay

2010-03-20T01:00:00.010+08:00

You know, I was looking through the dictionary hours back to get in touch with words that seem so ancient to me now compared to back then. Army makes a person stupid. It's evident. I can't help it. Anyhow, have you ever wondered who invented the dictionary? And how he had to memorize so much words to write down and explain the meaning for? That's a tough piece of shit I kid you not. But of course, as much as he did his best, he conveniently left out a few words. And he left out words so obvious that sometimes when I see people doing something, I wouldn't know how to explain it to my friends what they were doing. Coz there are no words in english to explain what they are doing. So, let's make things simple. Let's unword them. Like this:

Alcological [Al-co-low-gi-cal]a. (adj) Things that seem logical only after consuming large amounts of alcohol.

Disconfect [Dis-kon-fect]a. (v.) To sterilize a piece of candy that dropped on the floor by blowing it. This is perfectly useful for my mum.

Baldage [Bal-dayge]a. (n.) The accumulation of hair in the drain after showering. Especially for my mum.

Abandick [Ab-an-dig]a. (v.tr.) To leave a man in the middle of sex just because you think you're going too far cause you're Singapore's most innocent girl and a family throne, causing him to be left behind in frustration and physical discomfort.

Benefriend [Ben-e-ffrr-end]a. (n.) A so-called friend with whom one partakes in devious activities, often stereotyped as sexually immoral acts, without fear of ruining the friendship and without any commitment. A friend with benefits if you ask me. [Please do ask me actually!]

Elecelleration [El-a-cel-ayshun]n. The mistaken notion that the more faster and harder you press the buttons in the lift, the faster it'll arrive.

Frust [Fr-ust]n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept into the dustpan and keeps backing a person across the rooms until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

Neonphancy [Ne-on-pan-cy]n. A floresant light bulb struggling to come to life.

Phonesia [Fo-ne-zia] The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting who we are calling just as they answer.

Kidiot [Key-di-ot]a. (n.) A highly annoying kid.

Nipply [Nip-li]a. (adv.) Condition caused by a cold room, excitement or fear.

Camouflush [Cam-oh-flush]a. (n.) The unnecessary flushing of a public restroom toilet to mask embarrassing bodily sounds.

Decompliment [De-kom-ple-ment]a. (v.) To immediately insult someone after complimenting them, thereby rendering the compliment void.

Brunch [Brun-ch]a. (n.) A meal taken on behalf of the missed breakfast and lunch.

Fagnostic [Fag-nos-tik]a. (n.) Someone who refuses to admit they are gay or lesbian even though everyone else around them knows that they are.

Chillaxing [Chill-axe-ink] a. (v.tr.) Actively chilling and relaxing; Taking things easy; Staying cool.

Hiccaburp [Hik-ka-burp] a. (v.) To uncontrollably and simultaneously hiccup and burp.

Unfhair [Un-fare]a. (adj.) Marked by the ability to grow hair on one's ears, nose, the back of one's neck, on one's back or on one's rear, but not on the top of one's own head.

Zipcuff [Zeep-kaf]a. (v.) To be trapped in one's trousers by a faulty zipper.

GUESS WHO'S BACK?!

2010-03-20T00:40:00.008+08:00

You know, I can't hold much longer. It's about time I came back to doing what I used to do best. Put everyone on fuck while the fun lasted. And god damn, did I miss this blog and everyone I put on fuck carefree. It's me. Once again. This time, to stay on.

Fresh out from the army, I is looking for a job. And trust me, it ain't that easy to find. Especially when I am trying to find a job that is flexible. What adds fuel to fire, is the fact that I am indian. What adds kerosene to fuel is the fact that I'm the kind of inidan who prays and NEEDS to visit the temple more than I visit the toilet. Let's face the fact. Unlike YOU, I visit the temple everyday. If I'm gonna be working shift jobs, it's gonna eat up the amout of time I visit the temple or go for bhajans. I was looking through the papers today when I saw all kinds of job advertisements. Now, do you really think they mean what they say? I'll tell you what they really mean.

Keyword: Competitive salary.

What they mean: They remain competitive by paying you less than their competitors.

Keyword: Join our fast-paced company.

What they mean: They have no time to train you.

Keyword: Casual Work Atmosphere

What they mean: They don't pay enough to expect that you dress up.

Keyword: Some over-time required.

What they mean: Some every nights and some every weekends.

Keyword: Duties will vary

What they mean: Anyone in the workplace can boss you around.

Keyword: Must have an eye for details.

What they mean: They have no quality assurance.

Keyword: Career minded.

What they mean: Female applicants must be childless. [And remain that way]

Keyword: Apply in person.

What they mean: If you're too old, fat or ugly, you'll be told that the position is filled.

Keyword: Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience.

What they mean: You'll need it to replace the other 3 people who just quit.

Keyword: Problem-solving skills a must.

What they mean: You're walking into a perpetual chaos.

Keyword: Requires team leadership skills.

What they mean: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager. [Without the pay and respect]

Keyword: Good communication skills

What they mean: Management communicates, you listen. And figure out what they want and do it.

Keyword: Good time management skills

What they mean:You'll be 3 months behind time when you start work.

Keyword: Bilinguals preferred.

What they mean:You must be a chinese person who speaks chinese. Doesn't matter if you're an indian who can speak chinese. You must be chinese.

Goodbye

2009-05-17T04:41:00.003+08:00

It's about time what I started came to an end. The end is now I guess. I've had a hell of a time blogging and I think this blog has went places and back. Made me know more people. And change some people's life in some way or another- good or bad. Blogging's a good way to distress if you ask me. Anyhow, I won't be blogging anymore. If you were one of those who read and enjoyed it, I appreciate it. If you were one of those who read and teared, I LOVE IT! I've made my mark while I was still around. It's about time I concentrate on real proper things. With love, and as how I always love to say it, A-D-I-O-U-S!

The Priest In The Making

2009-04-22T23:28:00.005+08:00

If there was anything at all I could return the man who made me, it would be nothing more than myself. And come december, you will see the last of this blog and the old Praba you knew. Come the end of this year or the early 2010, Praba's gonna convert to a Brahmin. And he's becoming a priest. This is the longest ever dream I've had and finally the puzzle pieces have been put together. I am now getting ready for the transformation. You get ready for the disappearance.

The Plus Points

2009-04-10T22:28:00.010+08:00

Plus points. Very important factors when it comes to courting. You know, the distance men go just to date a girl, sometimes disgust me. Why bother doing so much? I will never understand this bullshit but hey, since I am the ever suggesting Praba, here we go on plus points.

The Flowers:

You go out to buy her flowers [+5 points]

But return with beer [-10 points]

And lipstick marks all over your face [-15 points]

The Protective Boyfriend:

You check out a suspicious noise at night [+5 points]

You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing [0 points]

You check out a suspicious noise and it's something [+10 points]

You pummel it with a sledgehammer [+15 points]

It's her cat [-50 points]

Social Engagements:

You stay by her side the entire party [+5 points]

You stay by her side awhile and then leave to chat with a drinking buddy [-5 points]

Named Siti [-10 points]

Who is a strip dancer [-15 points]

And has implants [-20 points]

And her G-string showing [-50 points]

Saturday Afternoons:

You visit her parents [+5 points]

You visit her parents and actually make conversation [+10 points]

You visit her parents and stare at the TV blankly [-10 points]

And the television is off [-15 points]

Her Birthday:

You take her out for dinner [+5 points]

You take her out for dinner and it's not a sports bar [+10 points]

You give her a gift [+15 points]

You give her a gift and it's a small appliance [-10 points]

You give her a gift and it's not a small appliance [+15 points]

You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months [+30 points]

You wait till the last day and then buy her a dress at the last minute [-10 points]

With her credit card [-30 points]

And whatever you buy is two sizes too big [-100 points]

Thoughtfulness:

You forget to pick her up from the bus stop [-10 points]

Which is in Tuas [-20 points]

And it happens to be raining that day [-30 points]

And her dress gets damaged because of all this [-50 points]

A Night Out With Your Friends:

You have a few beers [-5 points]

For every bear after 3am [-5 points for each glass]

And miss curfew by an hour [-10 points]

you get home at 5am [-20 points]

You get home at 5am smelling of beer and cigarettes [-30 points]

And not wearing pants [-50 points]

And is that her panties? [-200 points]

A Night Out. Just The Two Of You:

You see a comedian [+5 points]

He's crude and sexist [-10 points]

You laugh [-20 points]

You laugh too much [-30 points]

She's not laughing [-40 points]

You laugh harder [-50 points]

Driving:

You lose the direction on a trip [-5 points]

You lose the direction and end up getting lost [-10 points]

You end up getting lost in Yishun 925 [-15 points]

And you end up confronting the anjadis there [-20 points]

She finds out you lied about having a black belt [-50 points]

Communication:

When she talks, you listen displaying a concerned expression [+20 points]

When she talks, you listen for over 30 minutes [+25 points]

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV [+30 points]

All this is because you've fallen asleep [-50 points]

The Jealous Questions

2009-04-09T22:35:00.007+08:00

You know, the gender war between men and women will NEVER end. It's just how nature is. I will never get along with any girl. I just somehow get put off at some time. And so will they. It's just not me to click with a girl. And they too, on the other hand, will never understand me. And I don't need them to actually. Sometimes, things are better left unsaid and untouched. But I will answer basic questions. The ever honest me.

Q: Why are men such jerks?
A: It's in the testosterone. Much similar to your PMS thingy. We men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter? [And it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure] Hormones modify behaviour. We're just misunderstood.

Q: Why do men always have to ogle at other women?
A: Again, this is a testosterone thingy. Do you honestly think all that testosterone fell off from our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just better at not getting caught. It's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorise it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we tend to stare longer and as much as we can to try and burn this into our memory.

Q: Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
A: We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public just doesn't give me the excuse to not adjust him. It's uncomfortable you know?

Q: Why do men always say such stupid things?
A: We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see you women get frustrated by a few simple [and well chosen] words.

Q: Why are men so uncommunicative?
A: So that you learn to shut that big fat mouth of yours too if you always get into trouble by opening it and saying the wrong stuff.

Q: Why do men have to act such retards?
A: Actually we don't have to. We do it because we enjoy it.

Q: Why can't men just share their feelings?
A: Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea on how we feel? Unless you're talking about a brick landing on my head from the 30th storey, I have no idea how I feel.

Q: Why can't men just say "I love you"?
A: Men are taught from tender young age to be self sufficient. To say that we love you is equivilent to saying that we need you. Most men consider this a character fault. It's not easy to admit one's character fault, is it?

Q: Why do men say "I love you" when they barely a women?
A: Haha! Aren't you supposed to be special? Some men consider this a special way of saying that you're special. And some think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. [And quite surprisingly, it still works. Ho ho ho]

Q: Why doesn't a man sometimes answer a women?

A: We simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your stupid questions. If we think we do not have the answer or that you will not like the answer, we will keep quiet and preserve the energy for other things.

Q: Why do men just fart out loud and not maintain it on the low?

A: Actually, I was doing up a post on farts. I will release it on a later date but the reason why we fart is to show that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's a sign of affection. [Besides, holding it back for hours causes stomach cramps]

Q: Why do men hate shopping?

A: This, I need to badly answer. It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it and bring it back. Who the hell wants to spend hours to look at things we don't intend to buy? Besides, what the fuck are your female friends for?

What's Good And What's Not

2009-04-01T00:41:00.008+08:00

It's in the human nature to believe that the worst, only happens to them. Nothing peculiar. Always happens. Everyone's guilty of it. But, you'll never know. As listed below, things could be a lot worse actually.

Bad: Your vibrator is missing
Worse: Your daughter borrowed it

Bad: You find a porn CD inside your son's room
Worse: You're in it

Bad: Your children are sexually active
Worse: With each other

Bad: Your husband's a cross dresser
Worse: He looks better than you

Bad: Your son's involved in satanism
Worse: As the sacrificial

Bad: Your wife's leaving you
Worse: For another women

But sometimes the good don't last. Like this:

Good: Hot outdoor sex
Bad: You're arrested
Worse: By your husband

Bad: The secretary said 'yes'
Worse: But your wife says 'no'

Good: The teacher likes your son
Bad: Sexually
Worse: He's gay

Good: You came home for a quickie
Bad: So did your neighbour

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising
Bad: So that he can fit into your clothes

Good: Your child's waiting for the prince in shinning armour
Bad: Your son that is.

Good: Your wife's kinky
Bad: With the neighbours
Worse: All of them

Ah damn! Now I am convinced fate has it's cruel jokes. So long!

Thaipusam 2009 Videos

2009-03-31T22:25:00.007+08:00

I missed this out thanks to someone whose com just got their MSN fixed recently. Tsk tsk. [Not you Sandhya] Anyways, here goes.

The Million Dollar Question

2009-03-30T10:33:00.004+08:00

If "Naa bei, chee bai, why this motherfucker never blog one, ha?" is the thought running through your mind, I sincerely apologize. It's been some time since I had the energy or creativity to sit down in front of the computer to type thrash. Now, I do. Why? Coz I'm gonna ORD! I repeat, ORD, I repeat, ORD, I repeat, ORD, I repeat, ORD, I repeat, ORD, I repeat, ORD....Err, ok nevermind.

Anyhow speaking of ORD, reminds me of camp. And the good news for now is that I'm on a one week off. If you're wondering why? So am I. I got a week off for answering a question. Of course that question had a whole lot of sentiments and emotions which I cannot type here for adultry contents BUT I can tell you what I answered. Like this

*After about 80 of the guys in my battalion answered a question, my captain called me to ask a question*

My captain: Ok guys!! I wanna ask you guys something! I will give you a scenario. And I want you guys to tell me what you'd do.
Us: Okie.
My Captain: You are driving by a bus stop in my car. [His, is a two seater sports car] And you're driving by a bus stop where it is raining heavily. You see three people waiting for the bus. First, an old lady who looks like she is about to die. Second, an old friend whom once saved your life. And third, the most perfect girl of your dreams. The one whom you think is the perfect girl in the world whom you so madly want to marry.

*After about 80 of them all had thier fair share of cock and bull story of how they'd save the old women because she is dying and life is important OR like how the guy I HATE said giving a lift to the best friend to show gratitude and all that bullshit and thrash, it was my turn to answer*

My Captain: Praba! My finest! What will you do?
Me: I will presented my car keys to my best friend to take the old women to the hospital and then head home with the car while I approach the women of my dreams to spend time talking and sending her home.
Everyone else: *Clap*
My captain: *Taken aback* This is what you call intelligence!
Me: I know!

*Later in the night, he calls me*

My captain: Praba! Take off the whole of next week.
Me: REALLY? BUT I GOT DUTY LEH! HOW?
My Captain: Ok, just come back on your duty days to finish up. Apart from that, I won't touch you next week.
Me: *faint*

Urumee Melams

2009-03-24T02:33:00.003+08:00

Just in case you didn't know, urumee melams have been banned some time ago. I was in an urumee melam before and I left just as rumors blazed across the country about the new law governing the playing of urumees. But trust me, it ain't gonna stop much people. I know people out there still looking to form urumee melam groups. And just as helpful as I am, I have come up with funky urumee melam names for the future. Check it out.

1. Marlboro Maamiyaargal Urumee Melam.

2. Dhoal Dappi Dappangkuthu Brothers.

3. Kannae Kanggaama Kaaliamman Sisters.

4. Om Muruga Oorugaa Oorukaarans.

5. Ayya Muniyaandi Vilas Gilas.

6. Jada Muni "Where Is The Money" Ooruna Melons.

7. Alai Osai Thosai.

8. Shree Karrupa Saamy, Approam Vaalkei Enna Solluthu Maami? Urumee Melam.

9. Shree Jayam, "Ethuku Machi Bayam?" Urumee Melam Makkalz.

10. Naaga Kanni, "Why You Behaving Like A Panni" Urumbum Kelams.

Goodbye Bro!

2009-03-21T21:41:00.005+08:00

March 23. It'll be the day rajes turns a year older. [Ya la, you la rajes, the one from sasthas. Stop wondering if it's you can? And oh my god, you will soon need calculators to calculate your age la!!] Happy advanced birthday wishes to you just in case my beautiful memory fails to register in time that it's your birthday. Don't say I never wish hor! But it'll also be the day my baby bro gets enlisted. It's gonna hurt real big for my mum. Coz he's the one whom she talks to and jokes with. I'm the guy she looks for when she needs to nag and talk about more serious stuff, that I wish she doesn't, like the house bills and stuff. Anyhow, she's gonna miss him and I am definitely gonna miss him real bad. Today, for once, we went out to eat as a family. Surprisingly, she was able to get outta work at 7pm, I had no plans on and neither did my brother. Phew! So I'll leave you tonight to book in sadly for the fucked duty I have tomorrow with, for the first time in history, a photo of my mum and bro. And just in case he looks darn familiar, look carefully. Remember Guru Paarvai? Remember the guy who gives the girl the rose? Look at his photo properly again now. Haha! Adios!

Candid! And these two can never stop arguing!

Attitude sial!!!

Ahh, somehow, my mum never does smile. She always gives me this immigration, passport size photo kinda aura whenever I ask her to take a photo!

Bila Bila Siapa Tada Kaalah?

2009-03-15T00:48:00.004+08:00

Let's not talk so much. Let's not beat around the bush. I don't need to say much. The picture explains it all. BILA BILA LIVERPOOL!

Long Goodbye

2009-03-02T02:21:00.019+08:00

Just like how the world spins and we have no choice but to spin along with it, my com crashed and I have no choice but to accept it. This of course means I will have to wait till I get a new com while I mourn over the loss of 'god knows how many' gigabytes of songs, pictures and sadly, porn that goes along with the cursed mother-fuck. Sorry, I meant motherboard. From what I can predict, looking at how happy my mother was when I told her the com crashed, it'll take a few years before I get a new com. So no more blogging, MSN is definitely out of the picture and sadly, sadly, no more porn for me. Haiz.

So just before I leave everything behind and go today, I'll put up the last post left in my draft. And just in case you don't see me online in a long time to come, call me if anything's urgent. 91094353 is the number to dial. And just before I go, for the records, this is Thaipusam 2009.

The Dance Competition

2009-02-10T00:01:00.003+08:00

Never did I ever in my wildest dreams think I'd blog something like this. To make it short and sweet, an organization that I know, Sri Sasthas Organisation [Click here if you wanna know more about them] , is organizing a dance competition called Uyir Thuli Sangamam on the 7th of march at Jeletung CC. Which by the way is at sembawang if you don't use the street directory like me. Tickets selling at $10. Guest Performances by Aerocratz & SYNCHRONIX admist the competition. [And this time, I promise you we will do our best to get the bald guy who refuses to dance with a shirt on wear something to cover his nipples at the least.] If you want to take part in the competition or if you want the tickets for the show, contact Paran @ 91809232. And if he is dead drunk after some kick ass nights in Ashoka, don't worry, we have backup. You can contact Kash who doesn't drink @ 82659365. I'm outta here. Adios.

The Preview

2009-02-06T02:51:00.006+08:00

Come 8th, will mark the 16th year I've participated in Thaipusam. Of course it ain't gonna stop till I am bedridden. Even being crippled wouldn't stop me from participating. For the simple reason that I love murugan. Those coming for my kaavadi pooja, bad news. I've shifted it to a saturaday morning 8am event. [PLEASE PLEASE gimme a wake up call] Those not able to make it, I'll see you at my kaavadi. Which by the way, kicks off at 6am. By which, I meant the prayer. The time I leave the temple, is god destined. And it's not the actual day which takes up alot. The preperations itself, can kill. What I started doing in the morning, didn't finish till the evening. Which of course, is where my murugan sits. I'll blog soon. You can have a sneek peek till I do so. Adios.

Credits to the photographer who keeps boasting about this $1000+ camera- My brother.

Thaipusam 2009

2009-02-03T02:31:00.003+08:00

Ah, there we have it. The time has arrived once again. Thaipusam 2009 this time. I blog once every year about this. This year, it might become twice. [See if you get the hint] And sadly, urumee melams have been barred from Thaipusam henceforth. Don't start cursing the HEB. [Which, I know, alot of people do] I know about people wanting to send emails to the HEB. I know about people writing in petitions to HEB to allow musical instruments on the roads. Take it from the man who knows a lil more details about the things happening. Email the MDC and the police. For, the rules this year, are VERY affected thanks to them. No use getting at HEB. They're my friends. I know what's happening. All the best with the petitions and emails. Adios.

Alarm Clocks And Instructions

2009-02-03T01:44:00.003+08:00

The one thing I hate- Waking up early. For, I seriously have a problem with waking up. Exactly the reason why I dropped out. I barely attended classes to make it for the exams. Percentage attendance plays a part in you getting the chance to sit for the finals. So like as I always do, I screwed up big time in New Zealand. I was made 'In Charge' of training troops. And part of my duty included waking the training troops up for trainings in the morning. [Me, of all people in the whole wide world] And like how my life is an excellent illustration of Murphy's law, it had to screw up. I painfully signed 7 extras and my captain was all over me like this:

*After what seemed like a hard kick on my sleeping bag*

Captain: PRABA! WHAT TIME ALREADY?! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL SLEEPING?
Me: *Sleepy* HUH? What time is it?
Captain: *Pissed* IT'S F***ING 8AM ALREADY! WHAT TIME ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE UP?! [You'd never see words censored on this blog. But because I am fasting, miracles happen]
Me: Oh! Sorry sir, didn't realise.
Captain: *Still pissed* DIDN'T REALIZE? WHY DO YOU THINK THEY INVENTED ALARM CLOCKS FOR?
Me: I did set the alarm sir.
Captain: THEN WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU WAKE UP AT 7AM THEN? I DID REMIND YOU TO SET THE ALARM CLOCK AT 7AM RIGHT?
Me: Yes sir.
Captain: *Screaming* THEN?!!
Me: You told me to set the alarm at 7am sir. But you didn't tell me which time zone to set it at. So I, by default, set it at Singapore time zone sir.
Captain: GO SIGN 7!
Me: ..............................

Most Anti-Cipate-d

2008-12-27T10:25:00.012+08:00

Just to pleasantly surprise you if you hadn't realized, the lord has landed. Wait no further, I shall finally sit and write the summary I owe. [And you owe me big time for making me blog this when I was busy doing up my kaavadi hor Alicia] Been some time since I got it last updated and since someone doesn't wanna let me off till I update her on things, I think I better get it done. And this is it, from India till New Zealand. Read, bleed.

I was back to Singapore surprisingly like how I didn't expect. Not cause it was part of the plan but because Bombay was apparently bombarded with grenades and live rounds when I was fast asleep. The actual plan was for me to get to India and stay there till it's time for me to head to New Zealand before I finally finish my training and return on the 26th of January. Just in case you're curious on which part of India I was at, I was at Bombay. [Remember Taj Hotel?] Now they can have a hyphen in between the name and call it Bomb-Bay. CB! Nevertheless, do not fret like some of my relatives. I was safe. And finally froze my ass off in New Zealand with everything in working condition.

If how India was for me is the main dish in your 10 course meal, it was awesome. I never thought I would appreciate India that much. The people, the culture, the way of life. All so different. Even the languages. Only a handful knew a little bit of Tamil. Been an awful number of days that I was there. Too much for me to recall and write down but as they say, we don't remember days. We remember moments. And moments will definitely be cherished till death does me apart. How I got back was a funny story. I was accompanied by the commandos of the Indian army. How awesome. And what do people call me again? Soldier or something?

I missed my mummy more than I ever would have. The furthest I have been without her is Sentosa. India was taking the cake for it till I got to New Zealand. And this will mark the end of my overseas trips. I pulled out from the Las Vegas trip. I ain't gonna leave her for anywhere from now on. Mistake made, lesson learnt. I kept calling her every single day only to get scolded for wasting my money on calls. But that's how it works. I cannot sleep if I don't get scolded by her and she can never wake up if she doesn't scold me.

When I was in New Zealand, I was a very cons-pused [Confused] Praba. First off, weather there, was extremely cold. Too cold for comfort. It's so cold that you could curl up in the refrigerator and you'd still think that's the warmest place you could find. It could drop to a lung spearing 0 degrees Celsius. The highest I heard it went up to was 20 degrees Celsius . Having said that, I find it ridiculously weird when I call up motels and they tell me about how their motels are air-conditioned. And you know the best part? It's summer. And I'm the guy who HATES cold weathers. I don't mind being in hot countries. I like it. Never cold. Can you imagine me going to New Zealand in winter? I'll conveniently lock myself up in the microwave oven.

People. If weather ain't enough, you'd find the weirdest of people in New Zealand. To begin with, everyone there bloody thinks I'm black. As in some Nigerian or Tongo or somewhere along those lines. BUT, that made life there a little bit more interesting. I got checked out by black girls. HeeHaa! And black girls, I like. So that sums up my small summary of the overseas trip. Photos are still in my cam. I graciously lost my USB cable for the camera. You've gotta wait till I get the cable before I show you how the party was rocked. Adios.

Coming Soon

2008-12-26T10:12:00.003+08:00

Merry Christmas ya'll. With love, flowing like snow, all the way from New Zealand. Been a long long time away from home. I'll be back soon. Real soon. If I haven't said it yet, I will say it now: I MISS HOME! You can have the hottest of people here, you can have the best food, you can have it all. But anywhere there ain't my mummy, there ain't no fun. I will be back with alot of things to say. And I am gonna spend every single second with my mummy. I will meet up with whoever I owe a meeting. Which will probably be from jan 26th. Till then, ANTI-sipate. Cheers!

The Love For Kuih Tarts

2008-10-06T21:02:00.012+08:00

You see the pic right there? This is the only reason I'd skip a hot date/make out session for. My beloved 'Kuih Tarts'. I don't know why but I just get orgasms eating them. I'd kill/set ablaze anyone who tries to share my Kuih Tarts this festive season. Ni naa bei, chee bai. Anyhow, if you're baking Kuih Tarts at home, you do know what to do right? One container tightly packed with these 'orgasm-like' addictions for me please. Home made ones are the best. [Thank you Miss for the Kuih Tarts you're gonna bake for me. Heehaa!]

Every year, I have a post for Deepavali. This year, I ain't got time. I have to juggle packing my luggage for overseas along with cleaning the house and running other minor errands. I doubt if I'd blog on the eve. If I don't, you may refer to posts from previous years. In the event that I don't blog on the eve, I wish all of you a Happy Deepavali.

To my friends who know I'm flying off the day right after Deepavali, [The same friends who don't seem to have time to meet up due to the upcoming festival and 'the pain in the ass' girlfriends' of you assholes] do take care. I'm currently using my mum's handphone and she strictly wants it back just before I fly off from here. Which leaves me with no phone. [God-dammit!] So the only way we'll keep in contact is when I return. I ain't got no access to internet connection what-so-ever in India. So till I come back, from me to you, ADIOS.

Flying Off

2008-09-26T20:30:00.003+08:00

Here's the confirmed schedules:

28th October to 2nd December- India.
16th December to 24th January- New Zealand.

Which means I'd disappear for a motherfucking month before I touch down to Singapore again for 14 days before flying off again on the 16th of December. I've turned down Australia cause it'll be affecting my Thaipusam. Now, with the new schedules, I'd be back just in time to fast for Thaipusam which will fall on the 8th of February. I've already applied for leave just before I fly off. And the leave days are as such:

1st October-5th October, 17th October-26th October.

It'll be a awful number of days that I'll be away from home. I is gonna miss my mummy like crazy. Those who want/need something from New Zealand/India, do let me know so that I can make arrangements. Of course you'll pay me before I fly off. [Fucking hell, you expect me to pay for you ah?]

Anyhow, if you do need something, do let me know. I'll try my best. Adios.

New Office Policy

2008-09-20T19:52:00.003+08:00

Let your bosses know about the new office policies. Thanks for the link bro. Adios.

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you may buy nicer clothes. And therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

Thank you.

The Problem With Mental People

2008-09-20T19:16:00.002+08:00

It's been a while since I wanted to blog. Today, I am at home free and easy. I will be booking in tonight though. This will be my busiest week this month and on the month of October, I will be clearing all my leave and off. I will be at home the Hari Raya week and afterwhich I will return to camp for a total of 10 days before finally settling down at home for the remaining 15 days before flying off to India, New Zealand & Australia. You will not hear from me till January next year. So I thought I write something today just before I book in.

Anyhow, I was watching Crime Watch a few weeks ago about how the mute [With all due respect, and no insult of any kind meant at all] can now call in to 999 for assistance. I think the whole concept is cool BUT, what happens if a mental motherfucker happens to call in? Especially when my friend works in IMH [Institute of Mental Health] and she tells me about the different kind of mental problems at hand. So I, once again legendary, have extended an helping hand to mental people of all kind calling in. This is exactly how the radio operator will speak to help those in need of assistance. And thanks to you Miss Hottie, [Since you don't want your name to appear here], for the different kind of mental problems. [Which is yours by the way?]

"Hi, Welcome to Tanglin Police Station.

If you are Obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so that we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7. Your call will be transferred to the Mothership.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Manic Depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are Dyslexic, press 969696969696969696.

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, I.C number, date of birth, credit card number, pin code and your mother's middle name.

If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 999.

If you are Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have Short Term Memory Loss, please try to call again later.

If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy."

There I go again. Adios.

Me. A Writer?

2008-09-20T18:57:00.002+08:00

I received an email today about this blog containing praises which I will not write about here. But one of the points mentioned was on why I shouldn't write a book. That, will never happen. Me and books, are oxy morons. Especially when she suggested I'll make a good children's story book writer. Can you imagine Praba writing books for children? That's completely ridiculous and unthinkable actually. Below could be examples of names of books I'd be writing if I was a children's story book writer.

1) Fun four letter words to know and share.
2) The child who died from eating all his vegetables, Volume 1.
3) Dad's new mistress, Namitha.
4) Axe, Chainsaws, Knives: An I-Can-Do-It book.
5) Curious Rinesh and the high voltage fence.
6) Grandpa gets a casket
7) The magic world inside the abandoned refrigerator.
8) The pop-up book of human anatomy.
9) There goes the hamster...And other great microwave games.
10) Some kittens can fly.

There we go. Do you still insist Praba becomes a writer for children's story book? Ponder over it. Adios.

The Father's Rule

2008-09-20T13:06:00.006+08:00

P.S: The gorgeous, gorgeous looking sweetheart made in heaven. A murder will take place if I see this on anyone else's friendster or blog.

There's alot people don't know about me. I just don't get it why but I just so love baby girls to bits. Maybe that opposites attract. Just like how some of the female friends I asked who said they preferred baby boys as opposed to baby girls. Definitely not for me. The baby girls are just so disciplined, well behaved, neat and tidy and gorgeous as g's. [Note: G's refer to G-Strings] I can feel my heartbeat skip a beat when I see my niece smiling. The baby boys, simply atrocious. Can you imagine another baby Praba? There goes the world. Fucking ill-mannered and completely out of control. I have no mercy when it boils down to my nephews. It's a 'either you listen or I make you' situation time and time again. Slaps will be thrown in with no mercy if discipline is what they lack. The baby girls, on the other hand, are soooo well behaved. You tell them to sit, they sit. You tell them to stand, they stand. Even if they misbehave, who cares! She makes everything she does look so adorable.

As beautiful and wonderful as they can be, there's always a problem that arises. The problem that begins with age of course. It's not easy bringing up a baby daughter compared to the boys. A daughter needs more attention and guidance as compared to the boys. The boys, bastards, are let alone to roam and rot and somehow grow up. The baby girls, have to be taken care of like diamond stones. Precious like g's. The problem, as usual, starts with the boys. When they start dating. The last thing any father would wanna see is some shaggy bastard dating his one and only princess. I'd load and fire off a shotgun if anyone tries go near my niece/cousins/daughters etc. Try me. Meanwhile, this are the father's rules to dating his princess. Read em'. [Thanks bro, for the link. I appreciate it.]

Rule 1: You do not touch my precious little angel in front of me. Not even behind me. You glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything lower than the neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter, I will remove them.

Rule 2: I am aware that it's considered fashionable for boys these days to wear their pants so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. If you come with your underwear showing or your pants ten times bigger than it's supposed to be, I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric gun and fasten your trousers securely to your waist.

Rule 3: I am sure that in today's world, sex without utilizing a barrier method of some kind will kill you. Let me elaborate: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I WILL kill you.

Rule 4: In order to get to know each other better, we should talk about sports, hobbies and other general issues of the day. But please do not do this. The only information I require about you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter back at my house. And the only word I need from you on this subject is "EARLY".

Rule 5: I have no doubts that you're a popular fella with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me so long as it's fine with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little princess, you will continue to do so till she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I WILL MAKE YOU CRY.

Rule 6: As you stand at my gate, waiting for my little angel to appear, and more than one hour goes by, do not sigh or fidget. If you want to be on time for a movie, then you shouldn't be dating. My daughter is putting on her make-up, a process which will take longer than painting Raffles Hotel. Instead of just standing there, make yourself useful by cleaning my car.

Rule 7: Read carefully. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:

-In places where there are beds, sofas or anything softer than wooden stool.
-In places where there are no parents, policemen or priests within eyesight.
-In places where there is darkness.
-In places where there is dancing, holding hands or happiness.
-In places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff tee shirts or anything other than overalls, a goose neck zipped all the way to her throat or even higher.

Rule 8: Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided. Movies that feature chainsaws are totally fine. Old folks home, even better.

Rule 9: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be skinny, scrawny and weak but on these issues relating to my daughter, I am the all knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have the chance to tell me the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel and 5 feet of soil under my block. Do not trifle with me.

Rule 10: Be afraid. Be very afraid. As I wait for you to return my baby daughter back home, I hear voices in my head frequently telling me to load the rifle. As soon as you pull over outside my gate, you should exit the car with both your hands in the air and within sight. Speak the perimeter password and announce that you have brought home my angel safely and early and then back to your car to immediately drive off to avoid being shot down. There is no need for you to come inside my house. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Adios.

Bila Bila Liverpool

2008-09-13T22:10:00.002+08:00

Scott Facial Tissues. Soft, good absorbents. Just in case you're wondering why I mentioned tissue papers of all things, ponder no more. It's for tears. Both agony and joy. Agony for the suckers who lost 2-1 and joy for the ones who owned them. Just in case it's been a long time since I said this,

BILA BILA LIVERPOOL!

Rough Rhymes, Now On Friendster

2008-09-10T19:42:00.009+08:00

If there's one thing I owe a big 'thank you' to, it's my blog. Nothing beats the joy of whining online when you're dead bored. And for the amount of people it has drawn who've helped me in one way or another, I owe it two. And if you've been reading this while in the office killing time when you're actually being paid to get work done or in school reading while your parents slog hard to get cash to pay for education, you owe this blog, three. And me, a blowjob. Thanks.

Meanwhile, I have now created a friendster profile for Rough Rhymes. Haven't really had time to do it up 'steady pom pee pee' but will work on it soon. So if you've liked what you've read or read what you've liked all this while, add Rough Rhymes to your friendster too. Link below. Adios.

Someone Save Me

2008-08-30T01:38:00.001+08:00

If you know of any good blogs to read, do put me through to some. Been donkey years since I sat down to read blogs. And I don't want some random loser spewing shit about how bad his monday blues was or some sucker ranting on how sad his life is. Something worth reading. Something unique. Something that'll compliment my time blogging this. Adios.

Adios Sami-GOING

2008-08-30T01:18:00.005+08:00

I am now a high fly-er. Literally. I won't be around from the 28th of October [Day after Deepavali] till 20th January 2009. I'll be flying off to India for a Recce project and then off to New Zealand/Australia from there for some other operations. Do let me know if you need anything from India or New Zealand/Australia. [P.S: Do not ask me for kangaroos or koala bears.] Sarees have been requested. And yes. I will get em' for you at YOUR cost. Send me by mail or account transfer. Those who need my help in any way, ask before 28th of October.

And I might just need your help. Anyone knows where to get Kaavadi decorations? You know, the beads and all those kinda stuff. Those ready made ones. I don't have time to buy and make one myself. Do keep in mind that it's a classic kaavadi and not some anjadi-fied pin-ja-di. I know you do not know what pin-ja-di means. Just be happy that it rhymed. [I don't know what the fuck it means either. Too much religious lessons.] So yea, do let me know. Arab street sucks to the core cause I couldn't find any ready made stuff. It's all DIY kinda stuff. Or if you know anyone selling/doing these kinda stuff, put em' through to me. Thanks. Adios.

The Return Of The Father And Son

2008-08-23T01:21:00.007+08:00

Lazy and tired to the core. But just before I go, I shall just put up about another father and son I happened to eavesdrop in the bus today. Too bad I was too sleepy to whack him with something. This is what I heard just after I sat my ass down behind the father and son.

Father: Nothing in life comes free. You have to work hard for everything. Nowsaday, [Note the nows-a-day] nothing is easy in Sing-KA-pore. [I loved the way he emphasized on the word 'KA'] Must study hard and earn good money so that you can support yourself. Money not easy to earn one hor. Earn also not enough. Must know how to save. Don't go waste your money smoking and drinking. Must always have good habits. Money is so easy to spend these days. Especially youngsters.
Son: Yes pa.

Having heard that, I was thinking to myself this must be one of those good men who still graces earth teaching his son a lesson or two about life in Singapore. Of course we'd know the pain of money and hardships and how easy it is for us to spend money. I felt guilty coz I spend half my pay on cigarettes every month. The son probably being only around eleven years old, nodded in agreement to what his dad had to say. I took a good look at the man despite my heavy eye lids which were racing to draw the curtain on my pupils. But I just had to look at him in admiration while he was fiddling with his handphone for being a good father that he was. At least he knows how to bring up his son. Unlike some people who leave their wife to die alone. Anyhow, he dropped me a bomb just as I was looking at him. Like this:

Son: Pa! Pa! I got something to ask you.
Father: Wait wait, I checking 4D results! See if we win money or not. Papa will bring mummy and you out.
Me: *In shocking wondering* WHAT?! Wasn't he the guy who educated his son about money and good habits?

No More

2008-08-18T20:59:00.003+08:00

How strange. The number of people reading this blog day by day is rocketing sky high. Which is good in a way. I will be in need of favors soon. Let's see how this blog will help me. By the way, I is dead broke this month. So broke that I'll only send miss calls. No messages will be entertained. I've exceeded my free 100 outgoing minutes by an extra eye popping 300 minutes and my messages have just edged the 10, 000 meter mark. There goes my September pay along with my august pay. Just nice for my handphone bill. So you have it. No messages will be entertained henceforth. Only incoming calls. Any problem, one call. Prabakaran will be up here. Adios.

Computers And Me

2008-08-17T19:46:00.004+08:00

Not everyone who dropped out of poly is computer literate. I definitely am not. The only thing I can do well on the com is chat, play lan games and watch some porn. That's it. Nothing else. I do not know how to fix computers or computer viruses. So do not ask me again if I know this and that. Even my computer knowledge is way off. A friend of mine keeps asking me questions to which I don't have an answer for. And the answers I had, didn't really impress him. As illustrated. Let's come to the point. I don't know computer terms. The terms I know, however, do not coincide with computers. I have an encyclopedia of words which doesn't make sense to me. Like those stated below.

Word: Chip.
Meaning: Cookies. Only chocolate. Chocolate chip cookies rock!
Word: Microchip.
Meaning: That's what's left in the bag after you finish it.

Word: Web.
Meaning: What spiders make.
Word: Website.
Meaning: The location where the spider makes the web.

Word: Cursor.
Meaning: The Chinese bastard who keeps saying "Chow Chee Bai"

Word: Byte.
Meaning: What mosquitoes do.
Word: Bit.
Meaning: What mosquitoes did.
Word: Megabyte.
Meaning: What tekka mosquitoes do.

Word: Microsoft.
Meaning: A women's @%#$&!!!!!#$@#$#!!!!!

Word: File.
Meaning: What you use to cut metals.

Word: Server.
Meaning: The guy at the restaurant who fucks up your orders with someone elses. Rascal.

Word: Mouse.
Meaning: That hairy little thing the cat never stops bullying.
Word: Mouse Pad.
Meaning: Do you really want me to explain this?

Word: Window.
Meaning: What SOME people leap from after SNEAKING out to CLUB. *Coughs*

Word: Software.
Meaning: What women wear on their chest.
Word: Hardware.
Meaning: What's on their legs that comes up after trying to connect with the software.

I is out of ideas. Flu killing me. I'll go rest. Adios.

Kids Say The Weirdest Thing

2008-08-17T01:43:00.005+08:00

The most disrespectful of people on planet earth these days apparently appears to be kids. This is what I heard in the bus today. Note that the son is only probably 5 years old.

Son: Pa.
Dad: *No response*
Son: Pa!
Dad: *Still no response*
Son: PA!
Dad: *Yet no response*
Son: DEI ANAND!
Dad: *In the most caring of voices* What boy?
Son: I calling you so many times right?
Me: *Stunned*

If this was me in my younger days talking to my dad that way, I wouldn't have lived to blog this today.

When Translation Goes Wrong

2008-08-11T00:44:00.005+08:00

When boredom strikes, I do weird stuff.

Off You Go Too

2008-08-07T12:07:00.002+08:00

Me: Hey, I messaged you thrice over the last three days. Where the fuck were you?
Friend: Hey, very very sorry! Had a lot of people chatting with me la.
Me: Oh, thus the lack in replies la?
Friend: Yea. Sorry la. Had too many people to reply so I didn't notice. Hope you understand la.
Me: No worries. I understand.
Friend: Thanks for understanding Mr. Witty! I appreciate it! And how're you?
Me: It's alrite. I am fine. And I am just gonna do you a favor since I am such a nice friend.
Friend: *laughs* That's good! What favor?
Me: I have just deleted you off my list. Now you won't have to worry about replying. See, I told ya I am such an understanding friend.
Friend: Hey, relax la. Why so pissed about such small thing?
Me: Nah, it ain't something trivial to me. Why would I bother chatting with some fuck who doesn't bother replying? You think I am so free? So off you go. Don't need to worry about replying from now on. Adios. [Insert smiley face here]
Friend: Hey wait la! I was busy la!
Me: *Sign out*

Simple does it. And question of the day: Why clusterfuck your contacts when you can wipe out those who don't need to be entertained? Adios.

Never Trust The Dentist

2008-08-07T11:13:00.004+08:00

It's been a while since I sat down to reminisce about life. As of now, it's been a month or so since I had a surgery done. And damn, it still hurts at times. I was having an abnormal growth at the lower right and left ends of my gums which has been the cause of my bleeding for years. [As illustrated by the picture below. The horizontal growth.]

I was scheduled a surgery soon after the appointments at Alexandra hospital and trust me, the surgery hurts real bad. I was placed under local anesthetic which means I'd be wide awake while the surgery goes on. The other form of anesthetic is the general anesthetic in which the patient will be sound asleep while the surgery goes on. The problem with local anesthetic is that, like duh, that you're awake. And it doesn't help much when they tell you to relax while they take out needles from behind you. 5 needles went through my gums. Trust me, I now know what penetration feels like. Might be as bad as an anal. Or even worse. I felt the needle go deep in. Just before she injected me:

Me: You're gonna inject where?
Dentist: Relax. Just the veins around that particular spot.
Me: What? Into my mouth?
Dentist: *Laughs* Yes, just relax.
Me: Relax? Why not you lie here and I hold the needle up and tell you to relax?
Dentist: *Laughs* No it'll just hurt a little bit. Just the first injection. From then on, you'll be too numb to realize the other injections.
Me: You mean there's more than one???
Dentist: *Laughs* Yes. I need to inject around 5 times.
Me: 5? Did you just say 5?
Dentist: *Laughs* Yes, but only the first will hurt. Just relax.
Me: You sure?
Dentist: *Laughs* Yes. I do this for a living.
Me: *Wondering if it was too late to get up and run* Some kind of living.
Dentist: *After injecting the first and second* Did the second one hurt?
Me: *ARGHHHH!!!!!*

So there we have it. Never believe a dentist's lies. The second hurt just as bad and I felt the needle go deep into my gums. The next time you're going for a wisdom tooth surgery, expect a lot of pain. [Fucking dentist!] Adios.

The Almighty

2008-08-06T23:58:00.006+08:00

Ever had the overwhelming feeling of god? When everyone and everything else fails, there's always this one man to count on? That one man who doesn't judge you based on looks, size, health? Heck, even wealth? Always listens and never interrupts? That one man who marks his presence even through silence? That one man whom we all forget at times but never once neglects us in dire times? That one man whom we all should be ashamed for chucking aside? Hands up if you feel guilty. Cause I, sure as hell, was. But, not anymore.

Someone asked me if the next thing I blog about be serious or amusing. Nothing amusing here. Look elsewhere if you're just looking for some fun. Praba always blogs cause he has a point to prove. Thing is, I've STOPPED clubbing. Been very long since I stepped into a club. So I don't wanna hear a single thing about clubbing. It's been months since I drank. Guess that's going out the window too. The only thing stuck with me is the smoking habit. And I think it'll be kicked pretty soon. I'm a changing man. Give me a chance. I'll prove my worth.

Bhajans. Believe it or not, I love Bhajans to bits. I don't know why but I keep surprising the masses. If you didn't know, I am in a Bhajan group. Yes, a proper temple one. Sengkang temple if curiosity is fingering you hard. If you just fainted, please get up. It's alright. If you don't know what on earth it is, go ask around. Every single soul who has known me has asked me what the hell I'm doing in a Bhajan. It's my kinda thing. I've loved it since I was a kid. I may be a bad boy since birth but I've always been good and true to the one and only. It's just that overwhelming feeling of peace and calm drifting from all that violence and anger and rage that seriously amazes me. Bhajans ain't something surprising actually. Been hardcore crazy about bhajans since I was a young boy. Nothing beats the joy of singing for god. Am looking for people to join in at the moment. Hit me if you feel me.

The priest in the making. I is planning on becoming a priest. No joke. Have been going to temples regularly and working with priests and finding out more on priest stuff. Won't be long before you see me chanting mantras in temples. Hey, you might see me at your wedding too if luck is on your side. Can you imagine? How cool. Praba at your wedding chanting. Solid. Of course, if I forget a few lines, I might just throw in some remix but yea, I still complete the task in hand at the end of the day.

All said and done, I is will be back soon. Those who have commented, I is have replied. Adios.

Sathai & Saakadai

2008-07-19T01:46:00.010+08:00

Just before my beloved shini whacks me with a slipper, I guess I'll deliver on what I promised. A new play's in town called Sathai & Saakadai. [In translation, skin and err, sewage? I don't know much about this. If need be, I'd put you through to the lady in charge. Maybe what she sent me might be of help if you're interested and intelligent enough to indulge in intellectual plays like this.]

"Flesh explores the reality of human behaviour being taken as a product of interest. Sexual satisfaction is juxtaposed as flesh trade. This concept is triggered from the recent influx of media programmes, where sexuality was used as a commodity to satisfy a global demand. The writer tries to highlight the sexual expectations and exploitations that occurs socially through this experimental performance. The play is positioned within a complex barter trade practiced in society where sex is the commodity."

"'Saakadai', penetrates into our identity beyond our given names and digs out the disgust, filth and rubbish we have successfully decorated with materialistic forms over all these years. The play explores the disgusting nature of people where the words they speak, emit the stench of faeces; the sights they see, direct to the residence of vulgar; the things they do, shock and cripple one’s comprehension on the way some people can live their lives.. lives of sewer. 'Saakadai' devours on the stinking societal issues that are happening right before our very own eyes yet regarded transparent as if it never existed."

[Yes yes, I know this show's soo not me. Cannot help it. I promised her I'll blog this. Everyone knows vulgar's my middle name. BUT, it'll be good for the rest of you. Do not follow my footsteps. I've booked a one way ticket to hell as it is. And if you need to find out more, do let me know. My MSN add's on the right. Or visit the links listed below to find out more. Adios.]

Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php*id*1245802405&ref=ts

Youtube:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=1HBDWhWYR4k

Off You Go

2008-07-19T01:20:00.010+08:00

Back and once again in trouble with the law. This time the CID's are looking for me. Came over to my house and searched. Threatened to issue an arrest warrant if I didn't turn up at the cantonment complex this monday. Damn, they just have to have a go at me. Ignoring that, it's about time. I've said it once, I'll say it till my last breath. Fuck you rich motherfuckers. This one thing, stays strong in my heart. Till death does me apart.

If you, even in your wildest dreams, ever had this thinking that I came from a well to do/average family, wipe that damn thought off your fuck mind immediately. I hate the rich. I hate money. And I don't give a motherfuck if you rich fucks love me or hate me. I don't give a motherfuck how you bought your condo/bungalow/car or whatever valuable. Be it movable or unmovable property. You're still rich to me. You do not deserve my friendship. What the fuck do people like you know about us? What have you seen to tell me you didn't have an easy time having what you've got. Fuck you. You don't know what I have been through. Have you ever slept with your family along with every single thing you owned under a block just because you didn't have a house to stay in? Fuck you. Have you ate bread for a whole week cause you wanted to save that much money that could afford you bread day after day? Fuck you. Have you ever had to walked from one destination to another kilometers apart just cause you didn't have enough to afford a bus to say the least? Fuck you. Don't come tell me you ain't rich and that your parents are. I will fucking slap you to your grave if I ever chance upon you. You think everyone in Singapore is well to do and not poor? What the fuck do you know? I've been there, done that. I've slept together with drug addicts sharing the same cardboard box and thrown towel exchanging opinions on how cruel life is. I've slept together with people who stab for a living who knew my situation listening to how tough life is and what I should do to make it out. Heck, I've eaten with prostitutes whom, while eating, have teared and told me how tough life was that made them change. Did you even know there are Singaporean prostitutes who sell themselves just because they need to make ends meet? You rich fucks know nuts. Don't fucking act like you went through hell to make it big. Fuck you. I've seen hell. And fuck, now hell's afraid. Put me anywhere, I'll make it out of it. Such was the intensity of what I went through. My mum's my queen. Single handedly, she brought up two kids to where they stand now. She taught me how to stay strong in desperate situations. She taught me survival. She taught me life. I've ran away from home and did things that'll make you pop your eye. I've been through so much that I nearly wanted to end my life once cause I thought the end was nearing. I've lost counts on the times I was at the rooftop with my friends drinking and I would walk over to the edge thinking everything would be fine if I just leaped across. I've hung out with people whom the society chucked aside and labeled. Why the fuck would I care? They gave me food when I needed it most. They offered shelter when the rest were happily in their own homes warm and cozy. I don't wanna hear you rich fucks talk. I don't want anyone to condemn others. What the fuck do you know about their hardship? I will slap the words along with the letters back into your windpipe and watch u choke with glee. Who the fuck was there for me when I had nowhere to go? Where were my relatives? What the fuck did friends do for me? Most importantly, where was this stranger called my dad when my mum was struggling all by herself trying to make sure I didn't go hungry and had shelter over my heads? I depended on absolutely no one. Cause it's always you against the world. Never, ever depend on someone. Stand on your fucking feet. And please do take note. If you live in anything bigger than a HDB flat, you are deemed rich and do not come anywhere with my arm's radius. A punch will be thrown at you. In case you didn't know, I'll let you know. I do not associate with anyone rich. I might smile but it'll end as that. I will not hang out with you nor make conversation. And do not make conversation and end up hurt like someone this morning. I'm don't care who you are in society but you certainly mean shit to me. I'll throw anyone away without any mercy. Be it my friend or family. And that leaves me with one last issue to settle.

Friends. Very important elements of life- NOT. For every friend, I lose, I can make two more. If you ever thought you can fuck me up and I'll just keep quiet and forget about it, think twice. You try once, I'll fuck you twice. It goes in the doubles. Today I'm about to let you know that you've been fucked off from my life. With or without your consent. So if you've disappeared from my life for months, made plans and canceled at the very last fucking minute when I apply leave coz I gave your fuck ass too much importance, tried contacting you but magically your phone failed to receive ONLY my particular calls and messages or got attached and detached yourself from your friends, keep your status that way. Coz I don't wanna see you returning back. Please don't come ask me if I am angry with you. I am not. No offense and none taken. I have far too many friends to bother about you anyway. I gave you importance and your bitch ass took it for granted. Now I don't know who you are and you, definitely don't know me well enough. By tomorrow, my phonebook will have less than 20 numbers and my friendster will be limited to a total capacity of100 people only. 100 people who have made me feel like I was important in their lives along with new friends made. And not just to make up the numbers.

After thinking through, I decided to not fuck your name up here. I shall instead drop you clues that I waved your bitch ass goodbye. Saves your face. Appreciate the fact that I saved you that much at the least for negligence.

1) Your contact number would have been deleted off by now and your calls and messages will not be entertained henceforth.
2) Your email address would have been erased off from my list and every single mail you send me will be sent to my thrash which auto-deletes itself.
3) You will no longer be in my MSN contact list coz I obviously think contacts are very important and you are cluster-fucking my MSN.
4) You will no longer be greeted by smiles but instead a sharp stare from me when I bump into you in the streets.
5) You will no longer be in my friendster and my profile will be private so that you won't need to dig into my ass to find out what's happening in my life. [Go check and see if you qualified under my 'not- needed anymore' category. The number of friends dropped from a near 200 to just 100 now.]
6) Any other means of communication which enables you to interact with me.

Just before I go, I just thought I let you know that I don't need the whole world for friends. I am not running a popularity contest on earth. I just need a few good ones. Will make my day. And this blog will be soon password protected. So if the rest of you need to read, you know who to ask for the password when I do password protect it soon. Adios.

21 Days Gone By

2008-07-17T02:05:00.002+08:00

After the torturous 21 days in hell, they think they can change me. Are you fucking out of your mind? Where in the world did anyone get such an idea? It's my way or the highway. Magically, they now think I'm awaiting the opportunity to overthrow the SAF. See, the SAF is very used to having submissive bitches. So when someone like me steps in once in a while, they just don't know how exactly to handle you. Point is, I was born to stand out. Not blend in. So fuck what you heard. It's what you're hearing.

Anyhow, today, after god-knows how long, I came across the most horrible friend on earth. AGAIN. The last time I did something for him was when I rewrote the lyrics to "Sorry, blame it on me" by Akon into something sweet as a change to love letters. Which his, then girlfriend now ex-girlfriend, read and dropped on her knees for him cause it was, by far, the most sweetest thing she has ever read. She went around showing all her friends how awesome it was what her boyfriend had written for her. I knew from then that a relationship between them was impossible. She actually thought he wrote that by himself. Shows how much she knows him. Him, of all people. The guy who misspelled 'snake' as 'sanke' and argued with me for 10 minutes during my recess time when I was still eating my $1 Mee Soto that his was the American way of spelling snake. Tsk Tsk.

Meanwhile, I owe two friends two favours. I am extremely shagged to the giduga today. I will however blog real soon [NOTE:The word 'soon' is subjective here. And please put down that parang.] And yes SATOI, sorry sorry, shini, I will blog about your 'Sathai & Saakadai' pretty soon. I've not chucked it aside. And no, I will not follow my policy of 'Why delay what you can do today when you can completely forget about it' on you. How could I? I is will blog it soon miss shini. Pinky promise to the Pipi.

[P.S: Don't ask me why so last minute one hor. If not for last minutes, I wouldn't even get anything done!]

Adios.

Till Then

2008-07-09T21:00:00.002+08:00

If you've missed me, fret not. I is will be back home again on the 16th of this month. Aparently they've hyped up my punishment to 21 days of charge instead of the intended 14. Till we meet again and I blog till the roof comes down, you take care. And by the way, anything important, my number is 91094353. I understand some don't have it. Now you don't have an excuse. Till I speak and you listen again, adios.

Magical 14

2008-06-07T23:47:00.005+08:00

For those who posted comments on previous posts, I replied. Late, I know. But at least I did. Meanwhile, HELLO! I miss writing my mind in here. Latest good news for all haters: I've been charged and de-ranked by my captain again. 14 days this time for improper behavior. They just don't get it that no one stops me. I'm now a subject of hate in my camp. The regulars think I am there to overthrow the organisation. Which, somehow, is what my actions portray. Heck, could be it. So there it goes for me. Down the drain. I now have a record. Which will hinder any chances of me studying in a government school or working for the government. My 14 days of hell starts this monday, 23rd of June. I will disappear for a murder-fucking 14 days before I come back. No need to look/worry for me. I is will be fine. You guys on the other hand however, take care.

O Bar- The Pledge

2008-05-19T03:48:00.005+08:00

If you think O bar rocks your boat, then it's time you join me for the pledge.

We, the citizens of O bar,
Pledge ourselves as one intoxicated people.
Regardless of race, language or religion,
To build an alcohol loving society.
Based on prices and beer quality.
So as to achieve happiness,
Prosperity and progress
FOR OUR BELLIES!

There we have it. The new O bar pledge. Sheena's gonna be so proud of me now. [My friend since I was a innocent good boy. The girl who sometimes stamps the bar stamp on your wrists.]

Starhub To The Giduga

2008-05-19T03:03:00.004+08:00

Just to let you know, I've got my sim card replaced and I'm back to the old number of 91094353. The hi card number that I've sent you will act as a replacement in the event of any mishap to the current line. I don't know what mobile subscriber you subscribe to but I subscribe to Starhub. Mistake made. Lesson learned. They say starhub covers 99.9% of places in singapore now. Looks like Tekka happens to be the 0.1%. I get reception everywhere else, including undergrounds, BUT home. Why the fuck does Starhub fuck it up all the time? I remember blogging about Starhub a week ago and this time, I got so pissed that I sent them an email. Which goes like this:

"Dear Sir/Madam,

I would like to commend Starhub on their fascinating features of my Nokia 1100. In all these years as a mobile phone user, no other phone has given me the opportunity to take so much time from my busy schedule in order to pay your service center a visit. So much so that I've been more than acquainted with your staff and can even recognize them by face!

It's just recently that I realized my Nokia 1100 has been installed with high technology, way ahead of it's time, intelligence system. Firstly, the 'power saving, auto-off system' that Nokia has incorporated into my phone. Since the introduction of your power saving auto-off system, I have been able to count with my fingers the amount of times I actually charged the phone. My phone is barely switched on for 30 minutes and this has helped me save a lot of time, electricity and money charging my handphone. It's been some time since I looked at my handphone screen and this has helped me look at more faces in the bus rather than the dull blue screen. I totally understand now when you say "Connecting People."

Secondly, I like the 'auto-delete, why bother?' function that Nokia has added to the phone. That way, I no longer need to search for numbers and will make an attempt to memorize the numbers instead. I wouldn't even need to worry about numbers I barely dial.

Thirdly, the 'now you see it, now you don't' function incorporated into my microchips, totally kicks ass. It has provided me all the more excuses I need to not return a call or message by not showing me my recent call lists and messages. It has even restricted my incoming/outgoing calls. That way, I save on my handphone bill cause if I don't send out any outgoing information, then I am not liable for any charges. No wonder my bill stays the standard subscription amount and my messages have been on the roll over to accumulate a whooping grand total of 8,000 free messages.

Today marked the occasion of my 3rd visit to your service center in the 2nd week that I've owned the phone. That will be shortly followed by a 4th when I collect the phone. I am really looking forward to sitting in your waiting area again watching the "Mr Bean" comedies that you play on TV for our viewing pleasure. Thank you for taking time in reading my email which I am sure will be checked and placed in the 'spam' folder shortly. I will of course blog and tell all my friends about the new wonderful features of the Nokia 1100. I am still wondering if Sony Ericsson phones have such high technological advances. I guess the only way, is to find out for myself. And that's exactly what I will do. AS A M1 SUBSCRIBER.

Yours faithfully,
Praba"

The New Oxford

2008-05-19T02:36:00.005+08:00

Take note that apparently, oxford dictionary has mad some minor adjustments and these, will be the new meaning to words:

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he has the biggest piece.

Tears: [Women listen] The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic: A book which people praise but nobody reads.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit down to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally fell into a river.

Optimist: A person who, while falling from Raffles hotel, says "See, I'm not dead yet!"

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest. Except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you're late and late when you're early.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and confidence after.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills and kills you with his bills.

Tan Kok Sai

2008-05-19T01:48:00.008+08:00

Has it ever hit you that the most 'cock' of things only happens to me? I don't know why but I always end up with weird characters. Blessing or curse, you decide. Just to let the majority know, I no longer need to illegally drive a car. I've been licensed to do so since months back. And boy, I sure had to go through one hell of a rough patch just to be licensed.

While I was still undergoing my Class 3, there was this particular guy called Tan Kok Sai. When anything at all goes wrong, you're sure bound to hear his name yelled from miles by the supervisor. I felt for him in the beginning but, just like his name suggests, he's a cock. Communication was never existent when it involved us. As a matter of fact, everyone had a hard time communicating with him. Though he speaks excellent Hokkien, he spoke barely enough English. It didn't matter to me AT FIRST. Till he was appointed my vehicle commander one day. Driving with someone who speaks barely enough English and doesn't understand the message you're putting across is like playing soccer with the visually impaired. You can tell them exactly where you are but they're not gonna know where in the pitch they stand in the first place. But dear old, balding, Tan Kok Sai, took understanding to a whole new level. He, seriously, should be slapped till his hair grows back. Now this, is what happened.

While on driving course, everyone is issued with a file that needs to be signed before and after every lesson. I am very particular about my stuff and everyone knows never to touch my file. But it so happened that, on that particular day Tan Kok Sai happened to be my vehicle commander, tragedy had to strike. It's a habit of mine to take a smoke break before any driving lesson. Nothings beats an ignited cigarette before a drive. I placed my file on the desk and walked over to my usual smoking corner. Having finished my cigarette, I walked back to the desk to collect my file and walk over to the vehicle where dear old, 'cock of a sai', Tan Kok Sai was seated at. More often than not, no one lays their hands on my stuff but when I returned that faithful day, my file was nowhere to be found. Not a single place I didn't cast my eyes upon. But after numerous failed attempts and patience slowly wearing off, I walked over to the vehicle where dear old, ageing and grumpy, Tan Kok Sai was seated at. A grumpy face to add to his remarkable name. I wanted to explain to him about my missing file. And soon after I explained to him what had happened, I realised Tan Kok Sai will always stay true to his middle name. Do let me know if the fault lied in me. I will take more relaxants for myself. And this, is why his mum added, knowingly or unknowingly, a 'cock' to his middle name.

Me: Sir, I lost my file leh. I placed it at the desk but I couldn't find the file when I came back after a smoke.
Him: *Furious* Your buddy already passed me the file what!
Me: *Relieved* Oh! But he didn't inform me he's gonna pass you the file leh!
Him: *Still furious* But your buddy already passed me the file what!
Me: *Confused on why he got so angry for something I didn't know about* But sir, he DIDN'T tell me he's gonna pass the file to you for me and he DIDN'T tell me he took the file from the desk.
Him: *Seriously pissed and screaming* BUT YOUR BUDDY PASSED ME THE FILE WHAT!
Me: *Frustrated* SIR, HE DIDN'T FUCKING TELL ME HE FUCKING TOOK MY FUCKING FILE FOR ME! SO HOW THE FUCK WILL I FUCKING KNOW THE FUCKING FILE IS WITH YOU?
Him: *More furious than before and still screaming* BUT YOUR BUDDY PASSED ME THE FILE WHAT! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR BUDDY TOOK YOUR FILE FOR YOU AH?
Me: *I seriously don't know how to explain how I felt. So just insert what you think is applicable here* SIR, MY BUDDY DIDN'T TELL ME HE TOOK THE FILE FOR ME.
Him: Screaming furiously at me* BUT YOUR BUDDY TOOK THE FILE FOR YOU WHAT! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR BUDDY TOOK YOUR FILE FOR YOU AH?
Me: *Do what you did above and screaming at the top of my voice while banging my head on the steering wheel* OH MY GODDDDDDDDD!
Him: *Looking concerned* You don't understand what I saying ah?
Me: *Open door. Jump out. Slam door shut. Walk away.*

Now tell me, what am I gonna do with someone like him? I hated it when he asked me "You don't understand what I saying ah?" The classic Tan Kok Sai. Adios.

I Like The Way You Think

2008-05-18T18:45:00.008+08:00

There's a guy. He's just plain irritating beyond words. He just tries too hard to please people. Try as he may, he can never prevail. He's sent to earth to piss the bliss outta you. And the greatest of insults hits you when he calls you stupid. And yea, he called me stupid. First ever to hit me with that remark. It's not only me who hates him. He's the definition of an irritant and everyone's awaiting on the opportunity to pounce on his mistakes to fuck him up. And he did something he terribly shouldn't have. Apart from calling me stupid, he actually copied the line I always use in my camp.

"I like the way you think."

I should have landed him a punch but sometimes, it's best not to react to inert substances. I am very particular about people imitating me. No one uses my lines. No one tries mimic Praba. Try, at your own risk. Meanwhile, this was the conversation that took place in my office during our free time after lunch. The one where my Captain had his hands together to produce the sound of approval. As usual, that irritating friend in my camp, asks me his 'intellectual' question, a daily routine for that sulking son of a bitch.

Him: Praba, I ask you an intellectual question.
Me: What the fuck is it this time bitch?
Him: Ok, you see right, 3 three birds are sitting in a tree. Then a hunter shoot down one. How many are you left with?
Me: 2 la cheebai.
Him: Wrong. I let you think again.
Me: *Knowing him and his dumb questions* Ok, 1?
Him: No! Wrong answer. You wanna know why not?
Me: Why?
Him: Actually technically right, you are right la. But logically, it's zero cause if you shoot one bird, the rest all will fly away what. Stupid la, I thought you so smart. Simple one also don't know.

*The whole office laughs*

Captain: For once you made a lame joke that had a little bit of substance in it.
Him: *Looking at me and knowing he received a compliment from the captain* It's ok la. This one is a tricky one. I didn't expect you to get it right. Must think out of the box la. This question, I got it right the first time people asked me. BUT, I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK.
Me: *Pissed* One more fucking time you use my words, I will walk over and whip your ass. Try me.
Him: Relax la. This kinda thing also want to get so angry for what?
Me: Nevermind. You know, I don't have the habit of keeping. I give. Why not I ask you something?
Him: *With all those who laughed in the office looking at me* Ask la.
Me: There are 3 women. One biting an Ice cream, one licking an Ice cream and one sucking an Ice cream. Which one of them are married?
Him: The one sucking?
Me: Nope. I let you think again.
Him: The one licking?
Me: Nope! Wrong answer. You wanna know who?
Him: Who?
Me: Technically, you are right. The one sucking on the Ice cream. But logically, it's the one with the wedding ring on her finger. I thought you were so smart cause you fooled me but whatever the fuck happened to thinking out of the box? But you know what? I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK.

Just For The Rich

2008-05-18T18:01:00.005+08:00

Just yesterday, I was out. And just as I was walking past BATA, my friend actually looked over and said "Buy And Throw Away." Very true indeed were the words running through my mind. Here's what else that's true. I got the first 4 from a friend. The rest, is history. Adios.

AUDI- Another Ugly Deutsche Invention.
BMW- Brings Me Women but Breaks My Wallet.
FIAT- Failed Italian Automotive Technology.
FORD- Fast Only Rolling Backwards.
HYUNDAI- Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive.
SAAB- Shape Appears Ass Backwards.
SUBARU- Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually.
VOLVO- Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object.
PORSCHE- Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything.

Vehicle Inspection

2008-05-18T17:07:00.005+08:00

I promised you something memorable when I'm fresh and back from the 7 days of hell torture. If you didn't know, the 7 days in Detention Barracks (DB) was changed to a 7 days extra duty owing to someone whose face I don't even know. The 7 extra duties were accompanied by a 7 days shortage of leave(SOL). Which of course, is still a charge under my name. But the thing about doing extra duties is that it gets onto your nerves. First day, is ok. Second day, not too bad. But by the third day onwards, fatigue kicks in with a mixture of irritation and frustration. The thing about me is that I don't have to do guard duties for punishment. I just have more work in the office than ever. And solving problems, is one of the many scopes in my daily NS life. Sometimes, when irritation kicks in, things get a lil' ugly. As explained below.

The thing about solving problems, is that we get lame feedback at times. As a Recce, vehicles are part of our daily NS lives and vehicle maintenance is just another routine. This is the form I submitted back to my captain after I explained the solutions I suggested to get the problems fixed. See, when fatigue kicks in, it's the concept of "If you can't convince them, confuse them" that prevails.

Problem: Front left tyre almost needs replacement.
Action taken: Almost replaced front left tyre.

Problem: Something's loose in the bonnet.
Action taken: Something tightened in the bonnet.

Problem: Dead flies on the drivers' windscreen.
Action taken: Placed live flies on the vehicle commanders' windscreen.

Problem: Evidence of leaking engine oil under the car.
Action taken: Evidence removed.

Problem: SWT volume unbelievably high.
Action taken:SWT volume set to a more believable level.

Problem: Friction locks cause gear stick to stick.
Action taken: That's what the friction lock is there for.

Problem: SWT inoperative.
Action taken: SWT always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Suspected crack in windshield.
Action taken: Suspect that you're right.

Problem: Engine makes funny sound.
Action taken: Engine has been warned to straighten up and be serious.

Problem: GPS Radar hums.
Action taken: Reprogrammed GPS Radar with lyrics.

Problem: Mouse in bonnet.
Action taken: Cat installed.

Problem: Fuel injection doesn't seem to be working.
Solution or action taken: Tablets prescribed.

Problem: Gear lever too hard.
Solution or action taken: Removed gear lever.

See, sometimes it's better off not to disturb me. Adios.

Magically Done

2008-05-08T20:49:00.003+08:00

This, is how you pose a question, Praba's style:

Friend: Hey praba, I messaged *** **** for a blazer and all he says is ok but never returns.
Me: What did you tell him?
Friend: *Copies and pastes* Hey, can you return my jacket? You were supposed to return it to me last week. Where is it?
Me: That's not the way educated adults solve the matter.
Friend: *Blur* Why?
Me: Sometimes, you gotta intensify the matter to make it work. Add in a few magical words to make it happen. That is to say, throw in a few 'fucks' to make the matter look more serious than it already is. Works best when you want something back.
Friend: *Laughs* Magical words? How?
Me: Ah. That's a good question. I'll modify your sentence without changing the words and meaning. See if it sounds more intensi-fucking-fied.
Friend: *Laughs* Okay.
Me: Ok, this is how you pose the question: "Hey fucker, can you fucking return my fucking jacket? You were fucking supposed to return it to me last fucking week. Where the fuck is it?"
Friend: *Laughs* Ok, and what if he still doesn't return.
Me: Add a new magical word and say it "I'll motherfucking bash the motherfucking soul outta you motherfucking asshole!"
Friend: Woah! You sure spew a lot of vulgarities.
Me: As long as it gets the job done.
Friend: That's FUCKING true.
Me: THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

Again

2008-05-06T17:56:00.002+08:00

I've lost my handphone. Again. And I'm fucking pissed to the core. Again. And I am uncontactable. Again. Take note. And once again..... Neh'mine.

Spank You Very Much

2008-05-06T17:37:00.003+08:00

If you think blogging is a waste of time, maybe you might want to reconsider. Sometimes, it does a miracle. Or two. Does it occur to you how I am not charged yet and still at home typing away munching on the potato chips my mum got but was stolen by me? This is the magic blogging does.

I know there's this sweet angel out there who asked her aunt, who holds a high rank by the way, to drop by my camp to help me reduce the punishment from a charge to 7 extra duties. I know. I spoke to your aunt. She saved my fucking life! I do not know how to contact her but if you're reading this, PLEASE let her know that I, for once, mean every single blood and sweat when I say, THANK YOU. I asked her who you were. She didn't let the cat out of the bag. What I do know is, you read about this here. I seriously think I owe you one. Big time. If it's you, please, please let me know. I'm very grateful indeed. My MSN add is on the right. I seriously will be very honored if you could add me please. Hoping to hear from ya! Adios.

Till Then...

2008-05-04T01:10:00.005+08:00

It quite disheartening when Sundays come around. Cause you know for sure you have to be in camp later in the night. But when I book in tomorrow, my fate will be decided. Good news for all haters and bad news for all lovers: Praba's been charged. No joke. 7 days in DB. And just in case you're innocent enough, DB is military jail. So do not expect me to be around from the 10th to the 16th. And I won't be around for my birthday too. No need to bother wishing and stuff. It'll not reach me. And if it's in your mind as to why I got charged, don't worry too much about it. It's my way of saying Praba's always Praba. Be it NS or not. If I have to hammer you, regardless of how big your rank is, I'll not think twice. Nothing's gonna stop me. No one stands in my fucking way. If you want to, try BEAT ME off the way.

Meanwhile, my mum's been admitted in SGH. That's been like my second home the past few days. Been runnin' around like a bee up a tree past few days. And the reason why you don't see me online at certain times of the day. If you do know the sweet soul my mum is, pray for her. Anything I hear against what I wanted to hear after the results are out, will make me go insane.

On the other hand, the dad whom I used to look up to, has decided to call it quits on my family and find another. [Of course my parents are separated but this time, he decides to heck every single thing including us] Probably the worst time of my life. Charged, mum hospitalized, dad walks out completely washing his hands off his children and family and a brother stranded with nothing to survive on.

This has been blogged just in case I go out of contact. Great week ahead. Only god knows when I'll blog next. But when I do, I'll make it memorable. Adios.

Thaipusam 2008

2008-05-03T02:26:00.022+08:00

Long overdue. I know. I apologize. This is Thaipusam 2008. Another one to the collections.

Holla My Name

2008-05-02T01:35:00.011+08:00

When people mispronounce my name, the one thing I get reminded of, is my secondary 5 Chinese language teacher. Nor will I forget her in my life and rightfully so. And not only her. There's a whole list of teachers and stories I will never forget when it boils down to my name and secondary school days. This, is one of the many stories yet to be uncovered.

Just after the bell went off to mark the end of the never-ending social studies lesson, my Chinese language teacher walks into class. More often then not, she was always punctual for lessons. She was one of those dedicated teachers willing to sacrifice hours with students just to see their grades jump from D7 all the way up till distinctions. Though she and I both knew exactly who each other were, we've never spoken or acknowledged one another. So much so that I've actually forgotten what her name is. Though her name doesn't seem to linger anywhere around my mind, what she called me just months before I graduated, memories of how the class burst into laughter, will never be forgotten. This is exactly why:

Back in school days, I hated Tamil lessons just like how any bad, deteriorating Indian boy should. I've never attempted at homeworks when Tamil language was concerned. And I was always an outstanding boy when it came to Tamil lessons. Cause I was always standing outside the classroom while the others went ahead with the scheduled lesson plan for the day. Just having finished my Social Studies lesson, I knew instantly it was Tamil lesson for me seeing my Chinese language teacher so eager to carry out the lessons for the day. And I also instantly knew I'd be instantly standing out of my Tamil classroom for the entire lesson cause, as usual, I didn't do my homework. As a matter of fact, I didn't even know where the book was. Some corner of the soccer field surely. And as I watched my Social Studies teacher walk out of the classroom, I saw my Chinese language teacher walk right in anxious to start the lesson. Acting oblivious to this, I took my time looking for a notebook I knew wasn't anywhere in the proximity of my classroom. Of course it's rude to stare so I had to put up a good mama drama pretending to search for something. And with me searching, was the entire classroom including my Chinese language teacher. And not that they offered a helping hand. They all offered a helping eye. Not in a way I wanted it to be. Stares were thrown at me while I continued searching. Of course I knew I was holding up the lesson. I had no choice. I had to delay every single second I'll have to stand outside the classroom. And, of course, I was humane anyway. I felt like I did have to explain what I was searching for and not hold up the lesson for those who really want to learn a thing or two. I looked up and staring right smack at my face was my impatient Chinese language teacher who, for once in my life, produced a stern face contradicting her usual self. And just before I could twitch a muscle in my face to explain what was going on, she exclaimed this:

She: WEI!
Me: *Jaw drop to the table*
She: PAPA KAI LAN!
Me: *Jaw drop to the floor* THAT'S NOT MY FUCKIN' NAME!

And the whole class burst into tears. Nothing but from the sheer pain produced in the stomachs after laughing so hard that I was surprised the roof didn't blow off. Of course I left the class in anger and the highlight of the day? My Tamil language teacher actually was on MC. Notice how it's only me that all this shit has to happen to? Remember Murphy's law? Everything that can possibly go bad, will go bad. This is how this shit is. And just for the records, I'll put up the different kind of names I had to tolerate year long from various teachers.

1999: I was an alcoholic with a bar named after me by my Literature teacher who was later in the year whacked by a metal chair thanks to yours dearly. I was *Bar-Bara-Karan* for 1999.

2000: I was accidentally made god by my maths teacher. She was Buddhist. I don't blame her. I was *Baba-Kan* for Y2K.

2001: I was recruited as a young Barcelona fan by my soccer coach. Maybe he saw potentials. Heck, maybe that's how I got to play for Home United. I was *Barca-Ba-Karan* for 2001.

2002: I was in the heart of every women. Literally. I was made *Bra-Kang* for year 2002 by my science teacher. I seriously still am trying to figure out where she got the kang from. And what the fuck does kang mean? Anyone?

2003: This was the only year my name didn't tarnish. Because no one even mentioned my name at all. I magically turned *Bala* for year 2003. Is it because it was an easily pronounced Indian name? Why wasn't I called some Prabu or something? At least it comes close. But why BALA of all names?!?! WHY? WHY? WHY?

2004: I, somehow, turned vegetable. She walks off the undoubted winner. My Chinese language teacher's classic: *Papa-Kai-Lan* for 2004.

Having said that, let me wrap it up. The story of my name and how it turned from a P to a B. Here's how:

See, when my parents named me, they actually sought after a priest to have the most blessed name I could adorn. I was named Prabakaran by the priest who later went on to tell my parents I was blessed in heaven and I'd be a very intelligent boy with a good future. [That's under chapter 2.1216 to the power of 10 of the standard Indian astrologer's lies. Page 13, line 69 if you'd like.] And being the women who'll fall for everything that's sugar not spice, my mum DECIDED, without my permission that is, that I should be named Prabakaran. Of course the guy who did my birth certificate had other ideas. He conveniently had to type a B instead of a P smack in my birth certificate. Now you know why my life's so screwed up? I am patiently waiting to catch hold of the damn astrologer. I'll set his parrot on fire. Adios.

Mas Alamak!

2008-03-09T23:22:00.016+08:00

You don't have to wait no further. I am back here. First of, I lost my handphone. Some lucky soul has just won himself a brand old, no camera, half fucked key pad and non existent ringtone which is better off not heard Nokia 6100. [I think that's the model number. I was drunk when I bought it.] But, the point that's being magnified here is that I lost your numbers. All of your numbers be it you're human/moss living/tadpole/antelope or sperm, I've lost your number. If you've read this and you feel you're of 2 cents worth at least, send me your numbers VIA email/pigeon/fax/mail/smoke signal. The email add is on the right. Don't ask when, where, how and why it happened. I ain't explaining no shit. Shit happens.

The part that gets onto my nerves when I lose my handphone is when I have to call Starhub to get my line suspended till I get my phone replaced. They're still the same since the last time I had a Starhub line and eloped without paying the outstanding $400. Which to date, might have turned $1000 inclusive of interest and lawyer fees. Poor chaps. But, still staying on the same topic, you still punch '0' for the operator who's always on hold. It's about time they go "Please hold while your call is being transferred to a customer care consultant who's always on hold and never comes back to assist you till you're dead pissed and you feel like splitting open his throat." And what adds salt to injury is when they go "Your call is important to us. Please hold and we'll attend to you shortly." Are you telling me 30 minutes on the phone listening to some music that makes me feel like bisecting a bullfrog short? I could have gone on a cruise to Switzerland and back for the amount of time she took.

"Bitch, please. You must have a mental disease."

On other news, if you're wondering what the $%&@#!!! happened to me, I'm involved in an operation. "Searching" for Mas Selamat Bin Mak Dia Mia Puki. [In direct translation, Mas Selamat s/o his mother's *coughs*] Listening to the story of him escaping while pissing really piss-es me off. Millions of questions run through my mind now but why wasn't there no grilles on the toilet window? Who the fuck was the contractor? Phua Chu Kang? Although I know deep down where he might be at this very instance, I'd shoot that motherfucker to death IF I were to spot him. It ain't no joke when I'm out in the blazing sun for 12 hours without sleep looking for someone who's not gonna turn up. If you happen to bump into him while clubbing, please let him know I'm on a personal hunt for his limping soul. Since I'm Praba and I was come up with solutions that are as smooth as lotions, I'll suggest one place where he could be found:

O Bar. I keep telling my captain Mas Selamat might be at O bar on Wednesdays cause it's ladies night. He just refuses to listen and laughs at my suggestions. Wait till I bump into him when I am clubbing one day. I have this funny gut feeling about the bouncer there. He looks like he knows one or two about that limping bastard. I'll unveil this enigma.

BarBras

2008-03-09T22:27:00.008+08:00

You know, the sad thing about being an Indian is when you have people who cannot pronounce the name your parents had a hard time choosing. Breaking it down for you, my name is pronounced pra-ba-garan. No two ways about it. There's only one fuggin way you could possibly pronounce my name. But, sometimes, it's just impossible to have people say my name. Really. They all sound like they're saying my name giving a blowjob concurrently. When you have someone who goes "JunpingJek in posi-son ready. Fie counts of foe", how the fuck on earth is he possibly gonna pronounce my name? And what the fuck is "Junpin jek"?!?!?!?! Where the fuck did he get that from?

Staying with the same guy, he calls me Bar-Bras. No joke. He calls me BAR-BRAS. If his left eye is a lil crooked to the left, maybe it's about time I slap him so hard that his left crooked eye becomes straight. He's one of those who look at me and go "You're quite ink-telligent. Keeps it up....." and just before I can smile and say thank you, he fucks it up by completing it "You're quite ink-telligent. Keeps it up BAR-BRAS." It's hard enough for me to hate him because he always has that innocent look and 'spongebob squarepants' like smile right after he calls me Bar-Bras. Not that long ago, he was sharing with me his problems. About how his wife wants to divorce him and move out with the kids. I felt for him. For once I wasn't joking in the office and felt like I was indeed in the office. And definitely, for once, I didn't mind him speaking although I thought some parts were in Chinese but wasn't the matter. He actually mispronounced. I was a lil' cons-pused. But on a more serious note, it is quite difficult when the person you love wants to move on and fuels the fire by bringing along the children with them. I came from a broken home. I felt the pinch then. I ain't allowing that to happen to him though he fuckin' gets my name wrong all the time.

With a 'easy on eye' editing of his powder-full England, this is how the conversation, as detailed as I can recall, went:

Me: So, is she definitely bringing the children along with her?
Him: Ya. See say see kif bird mah. [She said she give birth mah.]
Me: Hmm. Okie. And you said OK for that?
Him: Whak can I do? See gives bird mah. You thing I dohwan my chewdren meh?[What can I do? She gave birth mah. You think I don't want my children meh?}
Me: Hmm. Then can I ask you something?
Him: Ask la. But no off for you nest week. Got sun inkportant thins. [Ask la. But no off for you next week. Got some important things]
Me: Not that. If you were to go to a vending machine, and after you slot in a dollar coin and punch 'Pokka Peach Tea' and the drink comes out, and when it's all set and done, does the drink belong to you or the vending machine?
Him: Eh, what you sayink? [Eh, what you saying]
Me: Aiya, nevermind. Forget it. Go think about it then come back to me.

After around 50 minutes:

Him: HEY! You quite ink-telligent ah! Keeps it up .........

And just before he could finish, the office is filled with me screaming

"NO, DON'T PRONOUNCE MY NAME PLEASE! I GET THE MESSAGE!"

Ah Meng Or Ah Long?

2008-02-23T14:46:00.004+08:00

I know, I know. Don't blame me. The SAF doesn't allow me to blog in my camp. Neither do they allow me to go back home every Saturday to have my own time. They just think all NS men have nothing else to do but to protect the camp. I barely get time and inspiration to write about something.

The most heart breaking news of the past two weeks was Ah Meng's death. WHO'S THAT BASTARD WHO KILLED AH MENG?! SHE WAS INNOCENT! I kept visiting the MO [Medical Officer] for strong medications that might put me to sleep coz I kept mourning at the loss of the beloved smelly assed ape. Sorry sorry, my eyes are still swollen from all that crying so I couldn't see that typo. I meant beloved Ah meng.

But then again, the CID are now investigating allegations that the late zoo icon Ah Meng, also known as Ah Long by it's fellow primates, might have been an underground loanshark. According to police spokesman, it is rumoured that Ah meng was secretly using her popular breakfast with the tourist programme to conduct 'under-table' transactions. I don't know much but nevertheless, let's all wish Ah Meng rests in peace. Adios.

The New Leaf

2008-01-13T02:02:00.000+08:00

I is will be fasting from sunday onwards. Why? Thaipusam 2008. Never missed a year and never will. No vulgarities on me. And be mindful of what you say. And it's the only time in your life you'll see Praba a good boy, who doesn't swear and stuff, so try not to take your chances. It'll get you hurt when I end my fast. Thanks. Adios.

Women & Driving. Yet Again.

2008-01-05T17:40:00.000+08:00

You know what's more dangerous than drunk drivers? Women drivers. And you know what's more worse than women drivers? Drunk women drivers. The one thing that I hate when I'm on the road is women drivers. Not that I have a problem with women but seriously, if you're a women and you have a driving license, please get them revoked. Do this society a favour. Please, please visit the psychologist and seek help. You really need someone to talk to and confide in.

For women who drive in speeds less than 20km/hour: Please use the pavement. Do not embarrass yourself on the road. And in fact, the cyclists are overtaking you. Get yourself a kick-scooter or something.

For women who drive in speeds between 20 to 60km/hour: Please keep to the left. We do not want to see you anywhere else but the left lane. We do not want to see you in the middle lane stretching the queue behind you all the way to Tuas. Try racing the bus or the motor equipped bicycles.

For women who drive in speeds in between 60 to 100km/hour: Do not fucking E-brake [Emergency brake] at the very last second. Didn't anybody fucking teach you to slow down gradually? And if there's a bend, do fucking keep in your own lane. There are white markers on the road. Are you blind? Why the fuck are you using 2 fucking lanes to make a bend? If need be, slow the fuck down.

For women who drive in speeds in between 100 to 150km/hour: You really need to load a shotgun and shoot yourself in the head and nowhere but your fucking head! Didn't you know that there's nowhere in Singapore where the speed limit reads 150km/hr? And why is that you have to come so close to a car when you're zooming past? Keep away coz I don't fucking want you to come anywhere near where I'm seated at.

For women who drive in speeds in between 150 to 200km/hour: I admire the Micheal Schumacher in you but please do slow down to avoid a collision that might see you parachute your way to West Coast. You're a women. Take it easy. There are other ways to kill yourself.

For women who drive in speeds in between 150 to 200km/hour: ARE YOU FUCKING OUTTA YOUR MIND?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

And last but definitely not the fucking least, the other kind of drivers:

For women who do not know how to overtake:
Here, let me teach you how to fucking overtake.

1. Check traffic ahead.
2. Check the traffic behind.
3. Signal right/left. [Learn to fucking signal before you fuckign move]
4. Check blind spot.
5. Move right/left.
6. ACCELERATE.
7. Check mirror.
8. Signal left/right.
9. Move left/right.
10. Cancel signal.
11. Resume.

The next time I come across any pussy driving like one, I'll get off and slap the Kotex outta your panties. Mind you. Adios.

Happy 2008

2007-12-31T23:09:00.000+08:00

2008. I wanna start my new year with a bang. Anyone knows any mampat Malay chicks? Alright, neh'mind. And before the network gets jammed and starts rejecting my SMSes and my wireless shared by all the high class Banglas with laptops these days thus depriving me of good connection, I wanna wish every single living organism ranging from mankind to antelopes to moss livings till sperms I've known to date a very Happy New Year. Let's all hope I become a good boy at least this year. [And I've been saying this for the last one decade. Let's just hope it comes to life this year at least.] I've wished you. No need to SMS/Call me and make my life fucking difficult for me. I'll take it as everyone wished me. Thanks.

What I Want In A Women

2007-12-22T21:29:00.000+08:00

I said it, she did it. If you read the earlier post about "What I want in a man", here's the answer to my question. Credits to Gayathri. Here's her 5 cents worth. Adios.

What I want in a woman. [Original list at the age of 22]

1. Hot
2. Huge Knockers

3. Ass That Won't Quit
4. Doesn't Talk Too Much
5. Receptive To New Sexual Experiments.